Been Sleepwalking

The beginning of the year is always hard for me.

Season Affective Disorder, the bevy of social/family events during the holiday season- by January I’m grinding down and by February I’m thoroughly cooked.

This year has been no different- well there has been small differences: The fatigue kicked in later than usual, and overall the intensity of the depressive feelings have been lower.

That’s good, because I put a lot of work in the past two years to tighten my mood highs and lows.

But I’ve still been sleepwalking.

This morning I woke up sharp. Actually I sharpened around 8pm last night.

That was annoying because it gave me trouble getting to sleep last night, but net good because the day before was really bad.

The most debilitating effect of SAD for me is the brain fog.

It’s a tax on my cognitive ability that makes me a little less sharp, a little less nimble, a little less able to read between the lines and drive to the heart of a problem.

Yesterday was real bad because instead of a “little less”, it was “a lot less”.

Today- at least this morning, it seems like that brain fog has totally inverted. I clearly see the mistakes I made yesterday and the solutions I should’ve come up with.

I hate making mistakes. I hate making mistakes. I take it as a personal failing to make an error that could’ve been caught by thinking about the problem carefully.

You can see how brain fog would be problematic.

But part of being sharp is letting those mistakes roll off. Feel the emotion of failure, then quench it in the fire of rationality.

There’s nothing you can do about the mistakes made but fix it, and prevent the mistakes from happening again.

I’ve been sleepwalking.

Today I woke up.

This is my first post in months, mainly because the cognitive tax takes payment from my passion and hobbies.

That’s a fancy way of saying I ain’t done shit.

Today we on it though.

Today we on it.